Wheels are moving beneath me once again. How long has it been since I wrote that or a similar line? Years, for sure, but the last time must have been in Spain when I was last alone on a train. To Madrid? That would have been 2016, then, and the same day that I was arrested for pissing off a policeman, which is another reason that Spain is inferior to Czechia. Czechia! What a name! But I must have been alone on a train since then, no? No memory manifests in this quivering, sleep deprived brain.
So, wheels are moving beneath me once again. Though I am not exactly sure when the last time I wrote that line was (besides in the previous paragraph, of course, vole), I know the first time was on a train from Praha to Ustí nad Labem to visit Hela. The long lost Hela. In fact, I believe I began most all of my journal entries on the way to visit her with that or a similar line.
That being said, I hope I shall not be writing it many more times in the future. Sleeplessness and possibly repressed anxiety leaves me lately with the feeling that I do not want to travel. I ask myself what sort of adventure did you believe you were getting yourself into? Do you really like camping? What the fuck is wrong with you? You are no longer the person you were when you first came to the Czech Republic in 1998. Your tolerance and stamina have both decreased. And, more than anything, these careening days, I need a sort of central point of stability.
I’ve searched for this central point for quite some time. I believed I had it in Spain. In Logroño. I did have it in Logroño, but I abandoned it for some psychologically and most likely physically obscene reason. I wrote as an obsidian fragment earlier that the more people I meet, the more time I want to spend with my cat. This is truth, and very likely the entire universe’s only pungent truth, especially after meeting Helena last night. There is nothing “wrong” with Helena, per se, but I found it difficult to express myself, to capture what was within my mind and convey it to her in a, for lack of better clarity, gesticulatory manner. Looking back to when I was first in this country, I realize that much of my outgoingness was fueled by alcohol. And now, I both do not want to drink as much as I did and cannot handle drinking as much as I did. Drinking no alcohol at all would be ideal, even if it would mean leaving the veil of extroversion in tatters.
My feelings about leaving Peiločja alone for a day and night as I wheeled away from my new home this morning were frightful. I did not want to leave her alone. The more people I meet, the more time I want to spend with my cat. Can a cat provide as fulfilling a relationship as a human can? Well, that depends on the expectations. On the fucking očekávání. I’d say that for me, yes, or so I feel at the moment and have all morning. My original plan for Praha was to spend time with the cat and to spend time with music. Yes, I’d see Michal and Richard and Ivana and some other friends from time to time, but they’d never be the primary focus.
So am I making a mistake going to see Anna? I’d say yes, but the day will tell. Best to start with nízké očekávání and go from there. That’s what Peiločja told me this morning, and I’m a good listener. And that cat has been through so much that she deserves the bulk of my attention. The fact that I am already thinking about my return tomorrow more than what will occur later today does not bode well.
We shall see. Or, as they say in the old lands, fuck um.
