Context: Some quiz passed around on Livejournal (some misname these things memes these days) that resulted in:

Barefoot- free, rebellious, and wild, you hate boundries and rules. You tend to be on the crazy side and often sweep people up along with you. You are most likely the leader of your group of friends. [please vote! thank you! :)]

Commentaries:

fjolublatt:

oich, you got that barefoot-thingy too.

Me:

yeah. it’s a pity that i am usually shoed, however!

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

All shoes wear off sooner or later. Just have patience and do not get mad with the jokey.

Me:

to usually be replaced by others.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

At least you may hope the other pair will be more confortable.

Me:

or hope that i am not too irritated by shopping for the new pair.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

in which case you cannot blame the shoes for your goofy steps.

Me:

i don’t step. i glide.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

that i knew. but i’ve thought you’ve landed meanwhile.

Me:

gliding can be a ground (or near ground) oriented activity. that being the case, i am, yes, rather land-bound.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

does landing on the ground makes one a down to earth person?

Me:

no, but perhaps remaining on the ground does.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

do you think that if 2 people land together in the same place they have a common ground?

Me:

at the time, yes. the question is if they can maintain that common ground.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

what about each of them carring around some dust from the common ground?

Me:

purposefully or underneath their toenails?

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

either will do, as long as none of them minds the nails aspect.

Me:

if the dust remains with both, whether on purpose or by accident, they are somehow bound.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

i should give up washing my hands. seems this is my chance to have some connection to famous people.

Me:

do you wish for or even require some sort of connection with famous people?

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

neither. I’ve just thought it would be fun to say i have some common ground with Elvis. Maybe I can even sell the common ground.

Me:

capitalist!

(

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

all right, forget about Elvis. I’m willing to replace him with Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu wa Za Banga.

Me:

though i have no idea who that is, i am happy you withdrew your folly.

Anonymous (assumed to be creature):

I propose the following b-elaboration:

he gambles on the saddle (it doesn’t matter barefoot or with a sandal) he’s pulling at the mane (is he a leader or he’s just insane?!) he thrashes at the horse’s back (if you ask me, he’s often quite a pain in the neck) ambition is a bloody game (and yet it’s hard to find for him a blame)

Don’t try to stop him when he pulls it off!

I am very hazy today. Of course, the reason for that is lack of sleep, a predominate norm in my life these days. It seems every night is punctuated with intermittent periods of slumber between longer and longer bouts with wakefulness. Shouldn’t I be used to this sort of thing by now?

Anyhow, the office is ruefully quiet. Some fan-like-apparatus buzzes in the background. I let it be as my companion since my ears are a bit numb from the hours with my headphones. Am I the only one who feels increasingly lethargic after listening to music (no matter how much I like it or not) on headphones for hours? I should break my working day up with walks around Karlín (a little like my nightly wakefulness is broken up by short naps) – that would be pleasant.

Two lj friends have commented so far about spring. After the longish, evil winter, it came as a surprise to myself that I enjoyed the weather as it grew increasingly warmer. Still lots of random fluctuations in wind velocity and percipitation, however. Ach jo. To je jedno.

Wow. I wonder if I shall begin consistently writing here again?

Well, it is interesting to find that Jayson has joined LiveJournal (a perfectly booming population) and added me to his frineds. I thought for sure that my American compadres had abandoned me forever. Or maybe I reacted overly much perchance because of the extreme ideas that Loyal and Suzie portray. I don’t know. The contrast is that people here are much less judgemental. It is nice to be around people who accept you for who you are no matter what. I could stay at Rostej’s flat forever, drink myself blind every day, and he would not even blink an eye. Never should we try to change each other.

Commentaries:

Jayson:

I knew you were a fuck-up pretty early on… I don’t know the whole story of the S/L event, but there is a difference between being judgemental or trying to change someone, and deciding that if they don’t wish to change then you don’t want to stand around and watch them self-destruct.

Me:

what the hell are you talking about, vole? no one was self destructing. i certainly was not. if i had been, would i be around today?

Jayson:

I don’t know if you were or not, like I said I don’t know the whole story. I was responding more to ‘drink myself blind every day, and he would not even blink an eye’. I’m saying that there are more than just the 2 states, 1) not blinking an eye vs 2)judgemental/trying to change you. Plus you were always a bit self and others destructive when I knew ya, Mr. Chaos. We just accepted that as a part of knowing Bob.

Me:

All I do these days is eat yoghurt, however. Sad me.

Susie:

The last thing I would want to do is try to change you, Bob. However, I found it unnecessary to watch my personal relationships, my sense of sanity and my life fall apart around me as a consequence of taking you in.

Watch out for your spite. It does you no good to hold forth bitterness; I hold none against you. Get over it.

By the way, have you attempted to stay at Rostej’s flat forever and drink yourself blind every day? You might find that when you actually follow such practices as those upon which you speculate, people react universally.

Me:

Heh. Yes, I have tried it. There did not seem to be a problem. In fact, the three people who live there usually joined me. But you are right, I should get over it. I suppose I have, mostly, though I have occasional flashes of bitterness. That is not abnormal, is it?

I cooked Tortilla con Patatas this noon between talks to my, i suppose, ex-love. She told me she’d call in 1 1/2 or 2 hours and I took a walk, came back, was hungry, was lonely, was despondent. So I created the tortilla. I made a fucking mess in Suzie and Loyal’s kitchen. The tortillia was mediocre. Like me. Today was the last day I will talk to Jana. She leaves to England in less than 6 hours. Our discussion today was among the most sexual and most relentlessly depairing. Details would be painful. Would you like to have some Tortilla con Patatas? There are some still left. Hm.

tigresa should thank nedbathlus for her opportunity to become a livejournal member or I shall personally skin and bone her, or, with the correct implements, create sausage from her. I am very fond of sausage.

Susie -

Thank you very much nedbalthus, for being so kind as to allow me access to romp here! It is much appreciated. I shall endeavor one day to return the favor.

As for Bob, feel the bite of stiletto!

Absurdly, as usual, I have chanced upon a possible conclusion as to why I was so attracted to Jana at first. (You must remember that this was 1 1/2 years ago.) Possibly one factor was because she was such an untalented smoker. Just like Vesna. Even Vesna’s sister commented over and over again that Vesna had no style whilst smoking. Her cigarette hung clumsily in her fingers and her wrist tilted at awkward angles. When I first met Jana, in that pub with a name I cannot recall, when I ordered Lucky Strikes Lites, and offered to light her first, her hands stumbled like a child with her first violin. She took the flame so close to her fingers that I feared she’d scorch herself. As trivial as it might seem, it is not farfetched….

I have an extremely difficult time motivating myself to write these days. What do you think it is? Atrophy of the brain? Boredom with life? Resignment? Leprosy? I cooked Tom Kha Gai this evening for Loyal and Zuzicka. It was most enjoyable – especially the response received. At least I can pursuade myself that I am well versed in one non-trivial pursuit.

Otherwise, the day went un-splendidly. I suppose I was mostly recovering from yesterday’s attack of hypoglycemia. It was absolutely cruel. I was shaking so badly that I could hardly type. I feared sleeping. I thought I would never wake. Consequently, I lay in bed for most of yesterday forcing myself to not drift into slumber. Though I am sure I did tumble a few times into a semi-unconsciousness. Last night was mostly sleepless, as well. As my illness receded, my doubts and inner sickness concerning my apparent loss of Jana gripped me uncompromisingly. I was terrified – broken. I spent the most of the night chatting on ICQ (I should have been writing here, instead) with boring asians who thought as little of themselves as I do my health.

I should elaborate on last week. Hm. I shall pause again, however, as the flat once again swarms with shouting people and scurrying cat.

Agur.

Suzie and Loyal chat about things I cannot discern in their bedroom and I am finally alone in my bedroom (their living room). The couch on which I sit shall serve as my sleeping place in a few weary hours. Somewhere in the flat, there is the soft padding of their cat and Slapp Happy grates away through the air reminding me painfully of Jana. Sometime during the next week my fate should, if all goes well, be sealed for some months. I shall empty by brain into the workplace which is also Loyal’s own upon each workday and also, I am sure, during many weekends. This time it will be solamente for money and my mortal flesh shall be, because of cash’s uplifting quality, bound around the world once again and hopefully land in beauteous Praha, home of my craving(s).

I am very happy with our jukebox. Well, our computer on whose hard drive are a sprawling 5 or so days worth of music usually set on random play.

nechtel bych hajzl. ne ne ne. i lost my darlinka last night and i feel like being somewhere between contrite and violent. listening to psi vojaci does not help. does this help? i think i shall have another cigarette. dying young will solve all of my problems. jsem 32. je mladej? i want to know the answer to this question.

And what? I am subdued and cloistered in California at the moment. I wonder about my future here and my ACTUAL future with Jana in Prague. My friends have retreated to the gym as I scratch and flail about their flat with no clear intention. Nothing comes to mind. Nothing creative. I am as dead in California as I was in bleak Fort Stockton.

Constant solitude leads to perpetual grief. Sick! Sick! Sick! Blades tear at me and I dream of shaving my body-hair, and its whiskering remains. I shall dye the embryo of my child a light blue and scream that the life I left was unformatted and unfair. Drowning in books is dying in escape while the prod of life unseats those unsober. I shall die a sad, unlonely man, a stricken man.